|
A MAROON CARTOONIn color
BABY HERMAN and ROGER RABBIT
in
SOMETHIN'S COOKIN'
B. Herman: Brrh Brrh brrh
brgh.
Lady: Mummy's going to the beauty parlour darling. But
I'm leaving you with your favorite friend Roger. He's
going to take very very good care of you. Because if he
doesn't, he's going back to the science lab!
Roger: Plplpllllease! Don't worry. What ever you say!
Yes ma'am. Aye aye sir. Oke dokey. Why, I'll take care
of him like he was my own brother. Or my own sister.
Ow! Or my brother's sister. Or my second cousin who was
twice removed.
B. Herman: Brbrll bobl Cookie!
Roger: Or a nice cousin who is nine times removed from
his place off side.Or like a sixteenth cousin...
B. Herman: [Escapes from cot] Aaaaaaah!
Roger: ...who was sixteen times removed from my
mother's side. Or a 32nd cousin who was 37...
Baby Herman lands in front of the fridge and
looks up at the fridge where the cookie jar is.
B. Herman: Cookie!
Roger: ...times removed from his fathers side who was
eleven...Or like my 17th cousin who was 156 times
removed, from any side!
Sees Baby Herman climbing up some open drawers
Roger: Aaaaaaaaahhh!
Baby Herman is crawling across the hob turning
on the burners as he goes narrowly avoiding them.
B. Herman: I'll save you baby!
B. Herman: Cookie!
Baby Herman knocks a rolling pin on to the
floor.
Roger: Don't burn yourself baby Herman.
Rushes into kitchen and slips on rolling pin.
Roger: Wow! Wub wub wub wub wub woooooaaah!
Waaaaaahhoooowow!
Waaaaaaah!
As he rolls past Baby Herman he kicks a Teapot
onto Roger's head
Roger: Who turned out the lights? Boy, it's dark in
here. Don't
they pay the electricity? What happened?
Not seeing where he is going he rolls into the
oven which Baby
Herman turns up to Volcano heat.
Roger: Where are you baby? Where are ya?
Baby Herman crawls across some plates in the
sink.
B. Herman: Cookie! Ahhhh! Brblblblbl. Aha!
Baby Herman's face slips under the water but he
lifts it up and accidentally turns on the tap and water
starts spilling onto the floor. The soap also falls
down to the floor. The oven sign turns to well done and
Roger bursts out trailing smoke.
Roger: Oooh! Ooh! Ow! Owwwwww! Owwwwwwwwww!
He slips on the soap and shoots into the air and
the soap flies across the kitchen and riccochets of the
door handle and hits the baby flinging him up to the
clock pendulum. Roger falls back and slides across the
kitchen and ends up with his fingers in the power
supply and is zapped by electricity. In trying to
escape he headbutts the wall wiyh the teapot and
disloges a shelf and all the pots and pans fall on his
head. As he lies there a bottle of chilli sauce falls
into the spout of the teapot.
B. Herman: [From the clock] Cookie.
Roger, with his head on fire shoots across the
kitchen and ends up with an ironing board in his mouth
which folds up into the wall. Baby Herman swings from
the clock to a shelf which falls down and a box on the
shelf falls catapulting a box of knives through the
air. Baby Herman lands on a plunger and bounces up to
the fridge. The plunger flies through the air and
lodges itself in a toaster which then falls over. Roger
bursts out of the fold up ironing board.
Roger: I'm here BabaaaaaRRGGGHHH!
Roger sees the knives flying towards him which
lodge themselves in the wall around him. One parts his
hair and a meatcleaver hits the wall between his legs.
The toaster then fires the plunger at Roger and sticks
to his face. As he struggles to get it off he ends up
flying across the kitchen and removes it in mid air.
His momentary pleasure is forgotten as he crashes into
the suc-o-matic which then begins to pump him full of
air. When he looks more like a baloon he starts to
deflate, flying around the kitchen breaking crockery
and eventually hitting the fridge, lodging his head
underneath. As he struggles to get free he dislodges
Baby Herman who falls from the top of the fridge with
his cookie. Roger lifts the fridge of his head and
seeing that Baby Herman is safe holds him in his hands.
B. Herman: Cookie. Ah!
Roger suddenly realises there is an unsupported
fridge above his head which crashes back to earth. The
fridge door opens to reveal Roger with birds flying
round his head.
Raoul: Cut!
Background: Alright. That's it cut.
Raoul: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! [Throws script on
floor]
B. Herman: What the hell was wrong with that take?
Raoul: Nothing with you Baby Herman. You were great.
You
were
perfect. You were better than perfect. It's Roger. He
keeps blowing
his lines. Roger... [Grabs bird] ...what's this?
Roger: A tweeting bird?
Raoul: A tweeting bird! [Throws bird to the floor]
Roger read the script. Look what it says. It says
"Rabbit takes clunk. Rabbit sees stars." Not
birds- STARS! Can we lose the playback please? You're
killing me! Killing me.
B. Herman: [Stomping off] For crying out loud Roger!
Like how many times do we have to do this damn scene?
Raoul! I'll be in my trailer! Taking a nap!
Lady: Oooh!
B. Herman: 'Scuse me toots.
Raoul: My stomach can't take this. This set is a mess!
Clean this set up. And get him out of there. Or seal
him up in it. Loose the lights. And say lunch.
Background: LUNCH!
Raoul: That's lunch. Run ahead.
Roger climbs out of refrigerator and
follows Raoul off set.
Roger: Pplpllllease Raoul. I can give you stars. Just
drop the refrigerator on my head one more time.
Raoul: Roger! I've dropped that on your head 23 times
already.
Roger: I can take it though. Worry about me.
Raoul: I'm not worried about you I'm worried about the
refrigerator.
Roger: I can give you stars.[Grabs frying pan off a
passing trolley] Look. Look! Loook!
Plplllease Raoul. I can do it I swear. Just give me
another chance. Well come on Raoul...
Standing watching all of this is Eddie Valiant.
Valiant: Phhh. Toons.
He takes a swig from a bottle and puts it back in a
holster on his belt.
Roger: ...just give me another chance. Look. Watch
Raoul. Watch Raoul. Plplplllease, you gotta give me
another chance. Come on Raoul!
A lady opens some double doors and shows Valiant
into Maroon's office.
Secretary: Mr Maroon, Mr Valiant's here to...
R.K. Maroon is watching a piece of film playing
through a moviola and he waves his hand at the woman.
Secretary: He'll be right with you.
Maroon: No, no, no! Wait untill he gets to his feet,
-then- hit him with the boulder.
Editor: Right on it.
The editor wheels the machine away and Maroon
turns to Valiant.
Maroon: How much do you know about show business Mr
Valiant?
Valiant: Only there's no business like it. No business
I know.
Maroon: Yeah, and there's no business more expensive.
I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman
cartoon. You saw the rabbit blowing his lines. He can't
keep his mind on his work. You know why?
Valiant: One too many refrigerators dropped on his
head?
Maroon: Nah! He's a toon. You can drop anything you
want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his
heart, he goes to pieces just like you or me. Read
that. [Hands Valiant a newspaper]
Valiant: [Reading aloud] 'Seen cooing over Calamari
with not so new sugar-daddy was Jessica Rabbit, wife of
Maroon cartoon star Roger.' What's this gotta do with
me? [Hands paper back.]
Maroon: You're the private detective, you figure it
out.
Valiant: Look, I don't have time for this.
Maroon: Look Valiant! His wife's poison but he thinks
she's Betty Crocker. I want you to follow her.
Get me a couple of nice juicy pictures I can wise the
rabbit up with.
Valiant: Forget it. I don't work Toontown.
Maroon: What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves
Toontown.
Valiant: Well get Joe to do the job, 'cause I aint
going.
Maroon: Whoah fella! You don't want to go to Toontown,
you don't have to go to Toontown. Nobody said you had
to go to Toontown anyway. [Forcing Valiant into a seat]
Have a seat Valiant. The rabbit's wife sings at a joint
called the Ink and Paint Club. Toon review. Strictly
humans only. O.K.? So what do you think Valiant?
Valiant is more interested in the drinks
cabinet.
Maroon: ...Well?
Valiant: [Getting up to make himself a drink] The job's
gonna cost you a hundred bucks, plus expenses.
Maroon: A hundred bucks! That's ridiculous.
Valiant: So's the job!
Maroon: Alright, alright. You've got your hundred
bucks. Have a drink Eddie.
Valiant: I don't mind if I do. [Looks out of the
window]
Background: Look I've got it. Careful Dave. I've got
it. Dave, you're gonna drop it. I'm not gonna drop it!
You're dropping it!
Some workmen drop some large wooden boxes
releasing some toon instruments which begin to play. As
Valiant watches a pair of eyes suddenly appear at the
window.
Valiant: Aaah!
Maroon: Kind of jumpy aren't you Valiant? It's just
Dumbo.
Valiant: [Getting up from beneath the drinks cabinet
and taking the check off of Maroon] I know who it is.
Maroon: I got him on loan from Disney. Him and half the
cast of
Fantasia. [Opens blinds] Best part is... they work for
peanuts!
Marron throws a handful of peanuts out of the
window and Dumbo flies off sucking them up with his
trunk.
Valiant: Well I don't work for peanuts. Where's the
other fifty?
Maroon: Let's call the other fifty a carrot to finish
the job.
Valiant: You've been hanging around rabbits too
long.
Valiant leaves the studio passing an ostrich and
a frog on the stairs. Valiant looks to his right where
a sax player is playing to some brooms sweeping by
themselves. From behind them emerges a stork on a bike,
apparently a postman, and as he rides by he begins to
lose his balance and crashes sending letters
everywhere. As he reaches the bottom of the steps a
hippo bumps into him.
Hippo: Oh! Excuse me.
Valiant walks past a group of cows practicing
their lines.
Cows: Moo. Moo! Moo? Moo...
The hippo sits on a bench next to a workman and
the bench promptly collapses, catapulting the man into
the sky.
Hippo: Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so embarassed.
Valiant crosses the road and tries to catch a
tram. He shows the conductor the check Maroon gave him.
Conductor: What do I look like? A bank?
Valiant waits for the tram to go past him and
then swings himself onto the back, where two other kids
are sitting. Another kid comes running after them.
Kid: Wait for me.
Kids: Come on! Hurry up!
Kid: Hey Mister. Aint you got a car?
Valiant: Who needs a car in L.A.? We've got the best
public transportation system in the world.
Valiant gets off outside his office. Across the
road the sign above the tram station :THE WORLDS BEST
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM is being replaced by that
of Clover Leaf Industries.
Kids: See you later.
Valiant: Thanks for the ciggarettes.
Kids: You bet. You got it.
Postman: Hi Eddie. How's it going?
Valiant: O.K. What you got for me?
Postman: The usual bills.
Valiant throws the bills in the bin and crosses
the road to the
Terminal Station Bar.
Valiant: Harry. You O.K.?
Valiant passes a tram driver unconcious at
one of the tables. He puts his hat, which had fallen
off, back on his head and makes his way to the
bar.
Valiant: What's with Earl?
The man he is asking is mute and writes his
answer on a pad of paper.
Augie: 'LAID OFF.'
Valiant: ...Laid off!
Soldier: A new outfit bought the red car. Some big
company called Clover Leaf.
Valiant: No kidding! They bought the red car?
Soldier: Yeah. Put the poor guy on two weeks notice.
Cut backs they said.
Valiant: Oh well. Heres to the pencil pushers. May they
all get lead poisoning, huh?
Before Valiant can put the glass to his lips a
womans hand covers it. He looks up.
Dolores: Tomorrow's Friday Eddie. You know what happens
here on Friday?
Valiant: Fish Special?
Dolores: [Taking the drink away from him] No... My boss
checks the books on Friday and if I don't have that
money I gave you back in the till I'm gonna lose my
job.
Valiant: Don't bust a button Dolores, you've only got
one left. [He shows her the check with a big smile on
his face.]
Dolores: Fifty bucks! ...Where's the rest?
Valiant: [Looking hurt] Well, it's only a snoop job
away. Have you got that camera of yours? Mines in the
shop.
Dolores: Wouldn't be the pawn shop by any chance would
it?
Valiant: Look. Come on Dolores. You need the other
fifty, I need the camera.
Dolores gets the camera from behind the
till and puts it in front of Valiant.
Valiant: Any film in there?
Dolores: Should be. Haven't had that roll developed
since our trip to Catalina. Sure was a long time ago.
Valiant: Yeah, it was a long time ago. We'll have to do
that again sometime.
Dolores: [Holding down the crockery as a tram drives
past, shaking the building] Yeah, sure Eddie. Paper
even good?
Valiant: Just check the scrawl.
Dolores: R. K. Maroon? As in Maroon cartoons?
Angelo: Maroon cartoons? Hey! So who's your client Mr
Detective to the stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy
Squirell? Heh, heh, heh.
Dolores: What do you want to drink?
Angelo: I'll take a beer Dol. So what happened, huh?
Someone kidnap Dinky Doodle?
Dolores: Cut it out Angelo.
Angelo: [Cracking boiled egg] Hey. Wait a minute, wait
a minute! I know. You're working for little Bo Peep.
She's lost her sheep and your gonna help her find him!
Hey? Heh, heh, heh. Ha, ha, ha!
Valiant, his patience run out, kicks the
stool from under Angelo who falls on his jaw on the
edge of the bar.
Angelo: ...Ungh!
Valiant: Get this straight meatball. I... Don't...
Work... For toons.
Valiant stuffs the boiled egg into Angelo's
mouth and stomps out of the bar.
Angelo: [Looking at the dissapearing Valiant] So what's
his problem?
Dolores: Toon killed his brother.
Background: What? Huh?
Dolores: Dropped a piano on his head.
Valiant walks down a gloomy alleyway and knocks
on a door. A hatch slides open and a bloodshot eye
appears in the hole.
Gorilla: Got the password?
Valiant: Walt sent me. [The hatch slides open and after
a moments delay the door slowly creaks open.
Behind the door hulks the massive body of a gorrila in
a suit] Nice monkey suit.
Gorilla: Wise ass.
Valiant walks down a short corridor towards a
door behind which can be heard the sound of a piano
playing. As Valiant opens the door there is an
explosion of sound of piano playing. On a stage
opposite Donald and Daffy Duck are playing a duet.
Watching this are numerous people seated round small
tables and being served by toon penguins. At the bar an
octopus is serving several customers at once.
Donald: Quaack, quaack. Cut it out!
Daffy: Does anybody understand what this duck is
saying? I've worked with a lot of wise quackers, but
you are desphicable!
Donald: Darn son of a guaack, quaack!
Daffy: This is the last time I work with someone with a
sphpheech impediment!
Donald: Oh yeah!
Donald grabs Daffy, throws him into the
piano and slams it shut on him, leaving only his beak
sticking out.
Daffy: This means war.
As Valiant stands watching all of this a bald
man squirts ink on Valiant's shirt with a pen.
Marvin: Ha, ha, ha!
Valiant: You think that's funny?
Marvin: It's a panic!
Valiant: [Grabbing him] You wont think it's funny when
I stick that pen up your nose!
Marvin: Now calm down son, will ya. Look, the stains
gone. It's dissappearing ink. No hard feelings I hope?
Look, I'm...
Valiant: I know who you are. Marvin Acme. The guy that
owns Toontown. The Gag King.
Marvin: If it's Acme, it's gasser! Put it there pal.
The hand buzzer! Still our biggest seller! Ha, ha, ha.
Totally unamused sits down and a penguin comes
up to take his order. Valiant slams the menu back on
the tray without looking at it.
Valiant: Scotch on the rocks. ...And I mean ice!
Donald is playing both piano's at once.
Domald: This is hot stuff.
Daffy takes over and behind him appears a
devilish Donald who nearly blows Daffy's head of with a
cannon.
Daffy: Hoo hoo hoo!
Two hooks appear from either side of the stage
and pull the ducks off the stage to the applause of the
audience.
Marvin: Hey, those ducks are funny! They, they never
get to finish the act! Ha, ha, ha.
Valiant: Right. [Penguin gives Valiant his drink]
Thanks...
[Finds stones in it] ...Toons!
Betty: Cigars! Cigarettes! Eddie Valiant!
Valiant: Betty?
Betty: Long time no see!
Valiant: What you doing here?
Betty: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to
colour. But I still got it Eddie. Boo boo bedoo. Boop!
Valiant: Yeah, you still got it.
There is a growing commotion behind Valiant. He
turns to indicate Acme who is gesticulating towards the
stage.
Valiant: What's with him?
Betty: Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica
performs.
Valiant: Got a thing for rabbits, huh?
The room goes suddenly quiet and the silence is
broken when a huskily voiced woman begins to sing. As
she appears from behind the curtains the men go wild.
Jessica: 'You had plenty money 1922,
You let all the women make a fool of you,
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here, get me some money too.
Valiant: [Unable to take his eyes away from Jessica]
She's married to Roger Rabbit?
Betty: Yeah. What a lucky goirl.
Now if you had prepared twenty years ago.
You wouldn't be awandring now from door to door.
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here, get me some money too.
Get out of here, get me some money too.
Why don't you do right, like some other men... doooo?
Valiant follows Marvin to Jessica's room.
Jessica: Who is it?
Marvin: Jessica dear, have no fear, your Marvin is
here!
The door closes behind him, muffling his
words. Valiant tries to peer through the keyhole.
Marvin: You sure murdered 'em again tonight baby. I
really mean it. My darling, you were superb. You
absolutely, truely and honestly fashmolyed that
audience. You killed them. You slayed them. You belted
them into little pieces...
A large shadow casts itself over Valiants back
and a large hand taps him roughly on the shoulder.
Gorilla: What do think you're doing, chump?
Valiant: Who you calling a chump, chimp?
The gorrila throws Valiant out of the door.
Valiant: Aaaarrrggghh!
Gorilla: And don't let me catch your peeping face
around here again. Got it!
Valiant: Ooga booga!
Valiant dust himself off and is about to leave
when he hears Jessica and Marvin talking through one of
the nearby windows. He pulls up a box and peers through
a gap in the curtains.
Marvin: Come my dear Jessica. I'm over here. I've got
everything you need, right here, on the bed.
Jessica: Oh, not tonight Marvin. I have a headache.
Marvin: But Jessica! You promised.
Jessica: Oh... alright. But this time take off that
hand buzzer.
Marvin: Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake, patty
cake...
Jessica: Oh!
Marvin: Patty cake, patty cake...
Jessica: Oh Marvin!
Valiant: You've gotta be kidding me!
Maroons Office and Roger is rattling the blinds.
Roger: Patty cake! Patty cake! Ahah! I don't believe
it! Ahah haa hah! [Headbutting desk] Patty cake!
Patty cake! Is that true?
Maroon: Take comfort son. You're not the first man
whose wife played patty cake on him.
Maroon hands him a handkerchief which Roger
blows into with gusto. He hands it back dripping with
water and Maroon hands it to Valiant.
Roger: I don't believe it. I wont believe it. I can't
believe
it.
I shan't believe it!
Valiant: [Dropping the hanky into the bin with a
splash.] Believe it kid. I took the pictures myself.
She played patty cake.
Roger: [Flicking through the pictures faster and faster
so it looks like they are moving.] No... not my
Jessica! Not patty cake. This is impossible. I don't
believe it. It can't be. It just can't be. Jessica's my
wife! It's absolutely impossible! [Throws pictures into
the air] Jessica's the light of my life, the apple of
my eye, the cream in my cofee.
Valiant: You better start drinking it black, cause
Acme's taking the cream now.
Maroon: Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend
and neighbour for 30 years. Who would have thought he
was a sugar daddy?
Roger: Somebody must have made her do it.
Maroon: [Handing Roger a glass] Now drink this son.
It'll make you feel better.
Roger: Eech! Gaahh! Brblbllllllll...
Roger turns a variety of different colours and
his eyes bulge. He suddenly shoots into the air and
emits a whistling sound so high pitched that it breaks
all the glasses in the room including the one held by
Valiant and the glass awards on the shelves. As the
whistling dies down Roger collapses back into the seat
and mutters...
Roger: Thanks, I needed that.
...before falling face down on the table.
Valiant: [Shaking the liqour of his hands] Son of a
bitch. Look, Mr. Maroon, I think my work here is
finished. How about that carrot you owe me, huh?
Maroon: A deal's a deal. [Hands Valiant the check]
Valiant: Great... Thanks.
Maroon: Roger. I know all this seems pretty painful
now. But you'll find someome new. Won't he Mr. Valiant?
Valiant: Yeah, sure. A good looking guy like that.
The dames'll be breaking his door down.
Roger: [Suddenly coming to life again] Dames! What
dames?
Roger grabs Valiant by the collar and
shouts at him forcing Valiant back onto the desk.
Roger: Jessica's the only one to me! You'll see. We'll
rise above this pickling peccadillo! We're going to be
happy again. You got that? Capital H-A-P-P-I!
Roger crashes through the window leaving a
rabbit shaped hole in the glass and the blinds.
Valiant: Well, at least he took it well...
As Valiant and Maroon stare dumbfounded out of
the window the blinds crash down.
Roger is across the road at the Acme factory
looking at his
photos. One is of him and Jessica on their wedding day.
Another is of the two of them on their honeymoon on a
beach. The last is of the two of them hugging each
other in a bar.
Roger: Jessica... P-p-pllllease tell me it's
not true. P-p-p-p-pllllease!
Valiant returns to his office. He takes off his
jacket and starts to take the photos down from the line
where he had hung them. When Valiant goes through the
photos back at his office he finds old pictures of him
and Dolores mucking around on a beach. Smiling, he
flicks through them however he finds pictures of him
and his brother and seems close to tears. He gets
drunk.
On the other side of the desk is a chair covered
in dust. In front of this on the desk is a sign reading
Theodore J. Valiant. Covering the desk are numerous
newspaper clippings of toon cases they solved. Soon
it's morning and another man is in the room. Valiant is
asleep with his head on the desk. the man throws the
empty bottle in front of Valiant into the bin and drops
it on the floor.
Valiant: Zzzzzzz Yarghh!
Valiant leaps upright in his seat and
stares groggily at the man beside him.
Valiant: Lieutenant Santino, where'd you come from?
Santino: [Looking at the photos.] Gee whizz Eddie. If
you needed money so bad why didn't you come to me?
Valiant: [Trying to pour the last dribble from the
bottle.] So I took a couple of dirty pictures. So kill
me.
Santino: I already have a stiff on my hands, thankyou!
Valiant: Huh?
Sant: Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night.
Valiant: What?
They drive to the Acme factory. As Santino walks
away Valiant
stands looking towards Toon Town.
Santino: Now what?
Valiant: It's just I haven't been this close to
Toontown for a while.
A figure comes flying over the wall, trailing
fire, and bounces
to a halt in front of the two men.
Sam: Ow! My briskets are burning! Fire in the hatch!
Great hornitoads, that smarts! [Sits in a puddle.]
Ahhh.
Santino: Come on Eddie. Let's get this over with...
[The two men walk into the Acme Factory. Santino speaks
to the cop on gaurd at the door...] He's with me.
They are met with the sight of a body in the
middle of the warehouse floor. On it's head is a very
large safe.
Santino: Just like a toon to drop a safe on a guy's
head. Sorry Eddie. Ahem. Better wait here, alright?
Policeman: Hey, Chishold. Get a load of this! [Toon
dynamite]
Policeman: [Holding up a black disk] Seen one of these?
He throws it on a wall and puts his hand through
it.
Policemen: Ha ha ha ha.
Detective: Hey guys!
Valiant turns to see a detective holding a
mallet. From it springs a boxing glove on the end of a
retractable arm. This narrowly misses Valiant twice,
knocking down piles of boxes behind him.
Detective: Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant? Or did
you change your name to Jack Daniels? Ha ha ha.
Valiant: [To a man picking yellow paint from the rope
attatched to the safe.] What's that?
Man: Paint from the rabbit's glove.
Jessica: Mr. Valiant.
Valiant turns to see Jessica and he runs his
eyes over her body. She, however, slaps him hard across
the face.
Jessica: I hope you're proud of yourself, and those
pictures you took.
Jessica storms out.
As Acme's body is being carried away on a
stretcher the men carrying it bump into one of the many
piles of boxes and one bursts open to release pairs of
toon shoes and boots. In the ensuing confusion to get
the boots back into the box Acmes body is bumped into
and his arm drops out from under the sheet and
something falls from his hand. Valiant sees this and he
bends down to pick it up. As his hand closes around it
a walking stick jabs painfully into his hand.
Valiant: Ow!
He looks up to see a man dressed all in black
with a black hat and orange tinted glasses. His skin is
a deathly grey colour.
Doom: Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a
crime?
Santino: Er, no Judge Doom. Uh, Valiant here was just
picking it up for ya. Weren't you Eddie?
Doom: Hand it over.
Valiant: Sure.
Valiant grasps Dooms hand and there is a
buzzing sound and Dooms body goes rigid. Doom takes the
hand buzzer.
Valiant: His number one seller.
Doom: [An artificial smile momentarily adorns Dooms
face.] I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.
Valiant: I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for
R. K. Maroon.
Doom: Yes. We talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the
rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the
pictures. The rabbit said one way or another he and his
wife were going to be happy. Is that true?
Valiant: Pal, do I look like a stenographer?
Santino: Shut your yap Eddie. The man's in charge.
Doom: That's alright lieutenant. From the smell of him
I'd say it was the booze, talking. No matter. The
rabbit wont get far. My men will find him.
The warehouse doors burst open and careering
through them comes a black van which crashes into
a pile of boxes before stopping. The doors open to
reveal weasels inside.
Valiant: Weasels!
Doom: Yes. I find they have a special gift for the
work.
Smart Ass: Alright yer mugs, fall out.
Doom: Did you find the rabbit?
Smart Ass: Don't worry Judge. We got deformants all
over the city. We'll find him.
Doom: [Turning back to Valiant] You wouldn't have any
idea where the rabbit might be Mr. Valiant?
Valiant: Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear
Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.
Doom: I'm surprised you're not more cooperative Mr.
Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you
apprecite the magnitude of that?
Doom suddenly becomes aware of a rubbing at the
base of his leg
and looks down to see a lone toon shoe.
Shoe: Beep! Beep!
Doom: [Whilst putting on a large black rubber glove.]
Since I've had Toontown under my juristiction my goal
has been to reign in the insanity. And the only way to
do that is to make Toons respect... [He emphasises this
by letting the glove snap back onto his arm] ...the
law.
Doom picks up the toon and carries it toward the
van.
Valiant: [Whispering to Santino.] How did that gargoyle
get to be a Judge?
Santino: Spread a bunch of Semolians around Toontown a
couple of years back back. Bought the election.
Valiant: Huh. What's that?
Inside the van is a barrel and Doom throws off
the lid to reveal a green liquid inside.
Santino: Remember how we always thought there wasn't a
way to kill a Toon? Well Doom found a way. Turpentine,
Acetone, Benzene. He calls it the Dip.
Doom begins to lower the toon into the dip.
Doom: I'll catch the rabbit Mr. Valiant. And I'll try
him, convict him, and excecute him.
As Doom is speaking the toon is slowly
disolving. Santino has to look away.
Valiant: Jesus!
Psycho: Hee hee hee hee hee!
Greasy: Heh eh! That's one dead shoe huh Boss?
Doom: They're not kid gloves Mr. Valiant. But this is
how we handle things down in Toontown. I'd think you of
all people would appreciate that.
Valiant returns to his office and in front of
the office door Valiant sees a woman bending over a
pram. Valiant stands there for a while looking at her
legs but then she pulls out a lighter and puts it in
the pram.
Valiant: [Running to stop her.] Hey! Hey, hey, hey,
hey! Wait a minute! Hey, hey!
The woman looks round to reveal Baby Herman in
the pram. He puffs out smoke from his cigar.
Sitter: I've been trying to make him quit but he just
wont listen to me.
B. Herman: What do you know you dumb broad? You got the
I.Q. of a rattle. You Valiant?
Valiant: Yeah.
B. Herman: I want to talk to you about the Acme murder.
Hey. Pssssss. Doll. Why don't you run downstairs and
get me a racing form?
Sitter: Oooh! O.K. O.K. I'm going.
Valiant: The lady's man huh?
B. Herman: My problem is I've got a 50 year old lust
and a 3 year old dinky.
Valiant: Yeah. Must be tough.
B. Herman: Valiant. The rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's
not a murderer. I should know. He's a dear friend of
mine. I tell you Valiant, the whole thing stinks like
yesterday's diapers. Look at this. [Hands Valiant a
newspapper.] The paper says Acme left no will. That's a
load of succotash. Every toon knows Acme had a will. He
promised to leave Tonn town to us Toons. That will is
the reason he got bumped off!
Valiant: Has anybody ever seen this will?
B. Herman: Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
Valiant: If you believe that that joker could do
anything solid the gags on you pal!
B. Herman: I just figured since you were the one who
got my pal in trouble you might want to help get him
out. I can pay ya.
Valiant: Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!
Valiant, angered by the fact that a toon wants
him to work for him, turns the pram round, takes of the
brakes and rolls it down the hall.
B. Herman: Hey, no! Valiant, don't!
The cot collides with his sitter and B.
Herman's cigar falls over the side of the pram.
B. Hermam: Oh! My stoogie! Waaaaaggghhh!
Valiant looks back smiling and lets himself into
the office. He
sits down at his desk pouring himself a drink and
looking at the newspaper.
Valiant: Weren't my fault the rabbit got himself in
trouble. [Drinks the drink.] All I did was take a
couple of louzy pictures...
As Valiant takes off his jacket he bends over
the pictures of Acme and Jessica he took the night
before and notices something in Acmes pocket magnified
by the glass he put on top of it. Opening a bag he gets
out his magnifying glass to get a closer look. In
Marvins pocket an envelope sticks out with the words
'Last Will and Testament' written on it.
Valiant: The baby was right! The hell with it.
Valiant crosses over the office to some drawers
which he pulls to reveal a fold up bed. He gets in and
rolls over to come face to face with Roger.
Roger: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagghh!
They both leap out of bed.
Valiant: How the hell did you get in here?
Roger: Through the mail slot. I thought it would be
best if I waited inside, seeing how I'm wanted for
murder.
Valiant: No kidding! Just talking to you could get me a
rap for aiding and abbeting. Wait a minute. Anybody
know you're here?
Roger: Nobody. [Leaping on to the bed.] Not a soul.
Except er...
Valiant: Who?
Roger: Well you see, I didn't know where you're address
was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked
the fireman, the greengrocer, the butcher, the baker.
They didn't know! But the liqour store guy. He knew.
Valiant: In other words the whole damn town knows!
[Grabs Roger and tries to throw him out the door.] Come
on get out of here. Get out! Get out of the door will
ya! Get out!
Roger: Hey! Hey Eddie, take it easy will ya. Please
Eddie, don't throw me out. You're making a big mistake.
I didn't kill anybody. I swear. This whole thing's a
set up. A scam. A frame job! Ow! Eddie. I could never
hurt anybody. [Valiant is stretching Roger out in his
attempt to make Roger let go of the door frame.] Ow! My
whole purpose in life is to maaake, peeeeopllllle,
laugh!
Rogers grip on the door frame finally breaks and
the two of them fly backwards across the office.
Valiant lands in a heap on the floor and Roger lands on
the bed.
Roger: O.K. O.K. Sure, I admit it. I got a little
steamed when you showed me those pictures of Jessica.
So I ran down to the Ink...
Valiant dives at Roger but merely sends Roger
into the air and Valiant lands in a heap on the other
side of the bed.
Rogrt: ...and Paint Club. But she wasn't in her
dressing room so I wrote her a love letter.
Valiant: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You're telling
me, that in a fit of jealousy you wrote you're wife a
love letter?
Roger: That's right! I know she was just an innocent
victim of circumstance.
Valiant: I suppose you used the old lipstick on the
mirror routine huh?
Roger: Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice clean
piece of paper. [He holds it up and begins to read.]
'Dear Jessica. How do I love thee? Let me count the
ways. One one thousand! Two one thousand! Three one
thousand! Four one thous...'
Valiant: Why didn't you just leave the letter there?
Roger: Obviously a poem of this power and sensitivity
must... [Valiant grabs Roger by the ears and throws him
out of his way.] Aaaaaaagh!... be read in person
so I went home to wait for her but the weasels were
there waiting for me! So. So I ran.
Valiant: So why come to me? I'm the guy that took the
pictures of your wife!
Roger looks through a book containing
newspaper cuttings of Valiant's past cases.
Roger: Yeah! And you're also the guy that helped all
these toons. Everybody knows when a toon's in trouble
there's only one place to go. Valiant and Valiant.
Valiant: Not anymore. [Looks up to see Roger about to
sit in a dusty chair opposite Valiant.] Get out of that
chair!... It's my brother's chair.
Roger: Yeah! Where is your brother anyway? [Looking at
picture] He looks like a sensitive and, sober fellow.
Valiant: That's it. [Picks up the phone.] I'm calling
the cops.
Roger: Go ahead! Call the cops! I come here for help
and what do you do? You turn me in. No don't. Don't
feel guilty about me. [Opens a door] So long... and
thanks for nothing.
Roger slams the door behind him sending a
pile of papers on a nearby set of drawers crashing
down.
Valiant: That's the closet! Stupe.
Valiant gets up and opens the door. There is no
one inside. Suddenly Roger appears from inside one of
the jackets.
Roger: Eddie Valiant! You're under arrest! [Puts
handcuffs on Valiant] Plplplplplll!!
Valiant: Get out of here! [Throws Roger out and on to
the bed] Idiot. I got no k‚e‚y‚s?for
these cuffs.
Roger: Huh?
Outside comes the sound of a car siren.
Roger: Yaaaaggghh!
Roger shoots acroos to the other side of the room
dragging Valiant with him and opens the blinds to look
outside. It is the weasels.
Smart Ass: Come on! Get the lead out will ya! Move it
would ya! Move it!
Roger: Yaaaagh! It's the Toon Patrol!
Roger dives under the bed dragging Valiant with
him but the bed folds up into the wall.
Roger: Hide me Eddie. Plplplplease.
He then tries hiding in some drawers making
Valiant bang his head on the side.
Valiant: Ungh!
Roger: [From the top drawer] Remember, you never saw
me.
Valiant: Get out of there!
Roger: Don't let em... [Valiant pulls Roger out.]
...find me! Come on Eddie. You're my only hope!
Smart Ass: [Banging on door] Open up in the name of the
law! (We know where you are. We know you're in there!
Open the door Valiant.)
Roger: Plplplease Eddie. You know there's no justice
for toons anymore. If the weasels get their hands on
me... I'm as good as dip.
Smart Ass: Don't make us wait up Valiant. We just want
the rabbit.
Roger: What are we gonna do Eddie? What are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?
There is more banging on the door.
Valiant: What's all this we stuff? They just want the
rabbit.
The handle to the door is shot off by a machine
gun. The door swings open to reveal a Wheezy holding
the gun and then the other weasels appear and begin to
make their way into the room.
Greasy: Looks like they gave us the slip, huh boss?
Smart Ass: Nah. Valiant's got him stashed somewhere.
Smartass sees Valiant at the sink and
pulls a chair up to him and holds a gun at his head.
Smart Ass: Hold it right there.
Valiant: Hello boys. I didn't hear you come in.
Smart Ass pulls up a chair and stands on top of
it.
Smart Ass: O.K. wise guy. Where's the rabbit?
Valiant: Haven't seen him.
Smart Ass: What's in there?
Valiant: [Holding up wet sock] My lingerie.
Smart Ass: Gech! See you Valiant.
As Smart Ass turns away Roger suddenly bursts
out of the sink.
Roger: Cough! Gag!
Valiant hurredly forces Roger back under and
Smart Ass gives Valiant a suspicious look.
Smart Ass: Search the place boys. And leave no stone
unturned. [Stands on the chair again.] Look, Valiant.
We got a reliable tip off that the rabbit was here. It
was corrugated by several others. So cut the
bullshtick.
Valiant: You keep talking like that and I'm going to
have to wash your mouth out.
Valiant stuffs the soap in Smart Ass' mouth and
he rolls down the stairs.
Smart Ass: Ooomph!
Roger bursts out of the sink again.
Stupid: Herh herh herh herh!
Greasy: Hagh Hagh hagh hagh!
Wheezy: Hehh Hehh hheh!
Psycho: Hee heee hee-hee!
Smart Ass: Stop that laughing!
Wacks Wheezy sending him flying across the room
to crash into the blinds.
Smart Ass: Stop that laughing! You know what happens
when you can't...
He wacks Greasy over the head.
Smart Ass: ...stop...
He wacks Psycho over the head.
Smart Ass: ...laughing.
He throws the plunger at stupid which sicks on
his face and onto the filing cabinet.
Smart Ass: One of these days you're gonna die laughing.
[Leaps up on to chair.] As for you Valiant. Step out of
line and we'll hang you and your laundry out, to dry...
[Splashes the water in the sink] Heh eh eh! Come on
boy's. Let's am-scray.
Roger bursts out of the sink and water fountains
out of his mouth.
Valiant: They're gone.
Roger: [Ringing the water out of his ears.] Jeepers
Eddie! That was swell. You saved my life! How can I
ever repay ya!
He grabs Valiant and gives him a big kiss.
Valiant struggles and throws him off.
Valiant: Mmmmmmmeurh! For starters, don't e‚v‚e‚r?kiss
me again. Sphphh!
[Valiant goes to the bar with Roger hidden under
his coat]
Valiant: Will you stop kicking me? Stop kicking will
ya! Dolores. Dolores! DOLORES! [Roger keeps trying to
stick his head out from under Valiant's jacket.] Ssshh.
Man: Hey Eddie! You made front page today!
Valiant: Yeah. I guess I made some ink.
Man: What ink!
Roger: [Finally getting his head free.] Jeepers Eddie.
That com com completplech! [Valiant stuffs Roger back
under his coat forming a big bulge.]
Dolores: So tell me Eddie. Is that a rabbit in your
pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Valiant: Cut the comedy Dolores. I've had a very hard
day. I've gotta get outta these cuffs.
Dolores: Oh swell.
Dolores leads Valiant through a secret door to
the hidden door beyond.
Roger: Whooo! Jeepers Eddie! That almost killed me!
[Dolores turns on the light.] Boy. What is this? Some
kind of a secret room?
Dolores: It's a rough gut room. A hold over for
probation?
Roger: Oh I get it. A speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch
parlour.
Dolores: The tools are up here Eddie.
Roger suddenly runs across the room dragging
Valiant across with him and knocking Dolores over.
Roger: Look at this. It's a fire hose. Jeepers Eddie.
This would be a g‚r‚e‚a‚t?place
to hide.
Roger peers through the holes in the wall and
knocks a bottle over with his eyes.
Valiant: Crazy toon.
Valiant pulls Roger away and in so doing knocks
his head on the
low light.
Roger: Watch your head.
|
homepage
back
tobecontinued...... |
|